Osmocote Advertisement

Conference Call


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: The Guy in Charge

MiNoSoRALaS Announces Best Gardening Conference Ever Anywhere

CHICAGO - Today, The Mike Nowak School of Really Awesome Learning and Stuff (MiNoSoRALaS) announced that in anticipation of the 2017 gardening season, it would be presenting its inaugural “Best Gardening Conference Ever Anywhere 2017.” Some people insist on calling it the “first annual” but Mike thinks that’s putting the compost before the wheel barrow. And he should know.

What makes this the Best Gardening Conference Ever Anywhere? We’re glad you asked. MiNoSoRALaS features seminars never contemplated, let alone seen, on this planet or any other. Titles like “Gardening for the Truly Clueless, Like My Neighbor,” “How To Know if You’re Asking a Stupid Gardening Question,” “How To Stop Asking Stupid Gardening Questions,” “Sharp Tools: Fact or Fiction?” (which is presented back to back with “21 Easy Ways to Lose a Finger”), “You Just Inhaled a Wasp: Now What?” and a perennial favorite, “Perennial Favorites and Other Execrable Puns for Which Garden Writers Should Be Arrested, if not Drawn and Quartered.”

In presentations forged from twenty-five almost unbearable years of trial and error in his own garden, Mike steps out of the light and into the darkness to examine why it is that so often plants, pathogens, creepy crawly things and even seemingly inanimate tools win and gardeners lose. Along the way, he regales his audience with tales of the misery of the human condition, most often displayed in the horticultural aisles of giant box stores on Saturday afternoons. Who should attend the “Best Gardening Conference Ever Anywhere 2017?” We’re glad you asked that question, too!

This conference is open to any cash-carrying member of the public who wants to garden but is turned off by stale, dusty, dumb old books and is frankly befuddled by that crazy, goofy stuff on the Intertubes. C’mon! If you read those books, you’re going to get ink all over your fingers! And if you start some silly video on your computer, are you sure you will know how to turn it off when it’s finished? Are you sure? What if a Jonas Brothers video pops up right afterwards? Will you be able to turn it off in time before your brain turns to mush?

You’re just the kind of person we’re looking for! The smart, trendy, upwardly-mobile, cash-carrying people who are interested in transforming their yards from a couple of sad yews and a scraggly lawn to a couple of happy yews and a recuperating lawn.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Really, go on. It’s okay. What do you see? No, not that. The tweezers can take care of that. Do you see that future gardener? YOU’RE the kind of person we want to show up to Mike’s garage on a Saturday morning and walk away with that very, very official certificate that says that you attended the “Best Gardening Conference Ever Anywhere 2017.”

You know what? When you show that certificate to your neighbors, they are going to be gobsmacked. They won’t know what to think of you!

And isn’t that what you want? To keep them guessing? To have them wondering exactly what you’re capable of doing? So get to the bank RIGHT NOW, grab that cash and get ready for the gardening experience of your life!

The reviews say it all. “Unbelievable,” writes Horticultural Harangue. “Seriously. I didn’t believe a word of it.” Dicot Digest applauds Mike’s “unprecedented gall,” while Monocot Monthly praises Mikes “brazenly fraudulent artifice.” The attorney general’s office simply says, “We can’t wait to see him in person.”

categories

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
The Numbers Game

I was reading a gardening book the other day (yes, I occasionally do research – don’t start on me this early in the column …


Article Thumbnail
Features
Bon Voyage

Give your garden visitors a splendid send-off this autumn.


Article Thumbnail
Blog
Gardening for Your Taste Buds

In a few weeks, we can start planting tomatoes and peppers as well as sowing seeds of squash, eggplant, beans and other ...


Article Thumbnail
Departments
From the Editor - JanFeb 2016

This is the time when the world waxes eloquent (or some semblance thereof) about “new beginnings.” Really? Is there such a thing


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Garden Un-Centered

Garden Un-Centered We all have our “happy” places–where we feel at home when we’re not at home. Some people are never ...


questions

Do the ants on my peony flowers help buds to open, or is this an old wives’ tale? What are the extremely tiny, microscopic yellow wormy looking bugs crawling on my pink peony flowers? My peonies are beautiful, but I don’t want all these bugs.

I have read that purple coneflowers (Echinacea) are a good source of food for birds in the winter. Will they be okay if not trimmed back until spring? If so, how early should they be trimmed?

What is the best way to dig up, clean and store gladiolus and dahlias? What are the little white sacs on glad bulbs?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement