Osmocote Advertisement

I Can’t Draw, Don’t Ask Me


Do you sing in the shower?

Um, I know that’s kind of personal and you don’t need to tell me what kind of soap you use but the point is, do you sing there but nowhere else? I ask only because I know that there are people out there who feel, well, incompetent at certain skills. Singing is a common one. Public speaking is another. Sports, cooking, electronics, home improvement, fashion, and let’s not forget origami, are other areas where the taunts of childhood acquaintances, spouses and co-workers can breed a sense of insecurity that can haunt people their whole lives.

Yeah, origami. Hey, my suburban neighborhood was tough.

Me? I’m a guy who actually likes to sing in public. Sometimes I even get paid for it (insert punchline here). Public speaking? Hah! I have three words for that: Bring. It. On. You see, there aren’t too many things that will send me curling into fetal position with embarrassment.

Except one. I can’t draw. Never could and, I dare say, never will.

I still can’t figure out why I didn’t take an art class in high school. Of course, I never took a shop class, either, but that’s because the girls with the tattoos frightened the living shop-lights out of me. And those were the teachers. As for the art department, perhaps I didn’t want to get oil paints on my “My Mother the Car” lunch box. Who knows? At any rate, I can’t draw. Anything. Let me put it this way. The game “hangman” is way, way beyond my abilities.

That’s where gardening comes in. You’ll note that to this point I have not mentioned the words “gardening” or “plants” or anything like that, which makes my publisher and my editor very nervous. They’ve obviously never listened to my radio show. Anyway, the big bucks in gardening don’t come from growing plants or digging up yards or running nurseries or writing gardening columns or even hosting radio shows. Non, non, non, mes amis.

The big bucks are in design. Which means drawing. Which means count me out. Until now, that is. I have discovered computer programming and computer “big gardening bucks” software. Which I am going to try out on you. I went to my favorite Virtual Gardens R Us computer store and picked up a little disc that lets me do the drawing that has so far stunted my adult emotional growth. You pop it into the computer, click a couple of buttons, and even a jamoke like me can turn out this kind of award-winning drawing:

All I can say is, look at that design and weep, folks. Martha Stewart, I’m right behind you. Hmm, that didn’t come out exactly right.

categories

popular

Article Thumbnail
Blog
Good Graft

The hot new thing in vegetable gardening is grafted plants. Burpee and Ball and other plant breeders have developed grafted ...


Article Thumbnail
Features
From the Inside Out

Good design and careful planning filled this modest backyard space with a garden that meets the needs of adults and children.


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Lawn Chaney’s Turf Talk

Editor’s Note: Though he acknowledged that it is bad form for a writer to miss a deadline, especially when it is only ...


Article Thumbnail
Spotlights
A New Twist on Terrariums

They’re back, just in time for holiday decorating and gift giving! Terrariums, that is. They’ve recently made a big comeback…


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Imagine That

I was awakened recently by the sound of a pigeon rattling my bedroom window. Peeking with one cautious eye from beneath my …


questions

I keep seeing photos of interesting plants I’d like to grow, but they’re labeled zone 6 and I’m in zone 5. What can I do to successfully overwinter these marginal plants? I’d like to try them, but I don’t want to waste my money.

How can I get rid of voles? I think they are doing a lot of damage to my bulbs.

I have two 20-year-old pine trees whose needles are turning brown on the west side of the plants. On the east side I have a compost pile.

I live in the St. Charles region and my soil is mostly clay. What is causing the browning? Should I get rid of the compost? How do I correct the damage?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement