Advertisement

Killing Grandpa Ott


I have been trying to kill Grandpa Ott, known affectionately around here as Gramps, for twenty years. We brought him here from Decorah, Iowa, having no idea that he would live so long, or be such a pain the metaphorical arse. I have tried poison, knives, my bare hands, everything shy of a gun, and if I had one of those I might consider using it. Nothing has worked and he has seriously overstayed his welcome.

In the spring we are typically too busy to deal with him and live in some level of denial, knowing he is there, lurking about. When spring gives way to the sweet days of summer, we get all misty eyed with nostalgia and think, oh, he really is a charmer. Come late summer though, he is not so attractive, hanging on everything for support and knocking down other, more desirable family members. He has a tendency to strangle anything in sight as well.

I have enlisted help this spring; hired a hit man. He’s a neighborhood tough who has seen things. Knows people. And he’s always looking for a fast buck. He has a picture of Gramps and he’s being paid well to kill him on sight. And he’s pretty shrewd for a six-year-old. Renegotiated the deal after discovering that Gramps was a tough old bird.

“I may hafta get thum friends to help,” Parker lisped through the gap in his front teeth. Alright, I said, handing him another dollar, “as long as he’s really dead this time.”

categories

Lincoln Park Zoo Advertisement

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Go Pantless … er, Plantless!

If there’s absolutely one thing I’m sure of as I slog through this vale of tears, it’s that the MacArthur genius grant ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Mike’s Instant Holiday Hort Sing Along: Just Add Snow

I’m often asked, “How do you do it, Mike … year after year?” That’s the wrong question. The right question is “Why do you do it,


Article Thumbnail
Features
Irresistible Roses

When it comes to roses, some of us just can’t say no. Here’s the true confession of one local gardener.


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Garden Wars

If ever there was dark side to an avocation based on goodness and light, it is the idea of a “gardening competition.”


Article Thumbnail
Blog
Tulipa sylvestris

It’s probably been more than four years since a wild shade-loving tulip made its surprising appearance in a shady, grassy bed in


questions

Is it possible to plant and grow Italian cypress in the Chicago area? Are our winters too severe for it? If they are, is there an alternative conifer that will provide a similar look?

I would like to start seeds under lights. When is the best time to start flower seeds? The seed packet always says to sow a number of weeks before the last frost. When is the last frost?

I am sick of slugs. Perhaps if I knew their life cycle I could get rid of them. Where do they go over winter? Where do they come from? What is the best way to get rid of them?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement