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MacGregor Redux


“Hey, where’s Stinky?”
“Mmmphrgbl?”
“Stinky!”
“Phbbmmrrggnndr.”
“Didn’t your mama ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full?”
“Nrrp.”
“Well, she should have. Oh, there he is. What’s he doing wasting his time on that stuff?”
“Drrnw.”
“Me, neither. Vegetable patch is over here. Hey, Stinky! Get a clue! Oooh, look! Purple! My favorite leaf color! Wait. First let’s do a check. Ears up! Anything on the radar?”
“Nrrp.”
“Awesome. Give me a boost here, dude.”
“Hrrrrrrgh! Whffff!”
“Thanks, dude. Not much of a fence if you ask me. Wait. Freeze! What’s that?”
“Kwrrrl.”
“Oh, squirrel. Burying a nut. I’ll tell you who’s the nut. Darned squirrel, that’s who. He’s gonna forget where he buried that thing before he takes three steps. Hey, Squirrel! Why don’t you bury a ginkgo nut? Or did ya forget where ya put it? Rats with furry tails, if ya ask me. Somebody oughta do something. They’re a menace. And them voles. Sneaky. Neighborhood’s not the same anymore, you know?”
“Mrrp.”
“Whoa, dude! What’s that smell?”
“FWWW!”
“Is that Stinky? Wait. I know. It’s that stuff they put on the impatiens. Just hold your nose and chow down, Benny.”
“Rlllm?”
“Really. Go ahead. But only if you’re impatien. Har! How do I come up with these gems? Anyway, if you’re finicky we can come back tomorrow after the rain washes it off.”
“...gmmp! Mmmm…fww!”
“Bless you. Hey, Benny, you left something back there. No, I mean the plant. Don’t forget to eat it all the way to the nub. For maximum aggravation.”
“Hkgg.”
“And snip off a few flowers and throw ‘em around. Makes things more festive. Grab some of those snapdragons and bellflowers and, I know, add a few poppies for good color and just toss ‘em around…wait. Freeze! What’s that?
“Wwrr.”
“Oh, right, dude. Water. Motion detector sprinkler. How dumb do they think we are? Hey, we can take a shower after lunch. Wow, look! Strawberries! Dessert! Think I’ll add a little sweet woodruff garnish. Say, where’s Stinky? I’ll bet bunny brain is eating allium again. That rabbit is a strange dude. Says he’s expanding his palette. Well, to each his own…wait. FREEZE!! Is that…?”
“FXXX”
“RUN!! Wait…wait…let me sniff…oh, ho! It ain’t really fox, it’s fox in a bottle. Do you know how they collect that stuff?”
“Hn?”
“You don’t wanna know. Trust me. Well, dude, this is what I call livin’. And goooood eatin’. Let’s dig up a few more plants just for giggles then go chat up some sweet bunnettes, if you catch my drift. This smorgasbord has put me in the mood for multiplying”
“Cllphmmmburrghshrrr.”
“Couldn’t a said it better myself, dude.”

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questions

How can I get rid of voles? I think they are doing a lot of damage to my bulbs.

I have lost four 12-15 foot tall white pine trees over the last year. All had the same symptoms, browning needles at the bottom that continued up to the top. Can you tell me what pest is killing the white pines? I am also losing an Austrian pine now. It is experiencing the same symptoms.

What are your three favorite “all-but-forgotten” perennials that every garden should include? Why do you like them?

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