Osmocote Advertisement

Mike’s 3rd Annual Holiday Hort Sing-Along


Don’t you just hate it when columnists fall into that trap of using the same old formulas year after year after year, simply because they don’t have the creativity or they’re too lazy to come up with something new?

Yeah, me, too. On that note, by popular demand (thanks, Mom!) I present the third installation of my not-so-award-winning
gardening words to popular carols. If you need to acquire music rights, you’re on your own, pal.

O Holey Leaves

(sung to “O Holy Night”)

O holey leaves
My hostas look like Swiss cheese
It is the night
When the damage is done

Long lay the bugs
In dirt and mulch
awaiting
’Til night appeared
And the slugs had their fun

A thrill of hope
A beery pan may drown them
Or yonder lies
A new insecticide

Fall on your knees
And search them with a flashlight
They see me supine
And my neighbors think I’m nuts

O give me some wine
O night, O slugs, I resign

God Rest Ye, Weary Gardeners

(sung to “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye, weary gardeners, let’s take the winter off
Remember the creator left himself one day for golf
To sleep in isn’t such a sin, though workaholics scoff
Oh, I’m hiding ’til April or May
April or May
Oh, I’m hiding ’til April or May.

I Saw Three Seeds

(sung to “I Saw Three Ships”)

I saw three seeds come floating in
To my backyard, to my backyard
I saw three seeds come floating in
To my backyard in the morning

And what plants were those seeds all three?
In my backyard, in my backyard
And what plants were those seeds all three?
In my backyard in the morning

Invasives from the farthest realms
In my backyard, in my backyard
Invasives from the farthest realms
In my backyard in the morning
My plants are gone, the weeds remain
In my backyard, in my backyard
Exotics will forever reign
In my backyard in the morning.

Grandma Got Run Over By a John Deere

(sung to “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”)

Grandma got run over by a John Deere
Walking through our yard the other week
You can say that Dad’s obsessed with lawn care
But me and Grandpa think that he’s a geek

He’d been drinking too much coffee
And we begged him not to mow
But Dad said “Can’t forget the 4-Step;
It’s the only thing that keeps it green, you know.”
Grandma never saw it coming
She had stopped to pick a weed
Dad was grooving to his iPod
And Van Halen always made him want to speed

Grandma got run over by a John Deere
Walking through our yard the other week
You can say that Dad’s obsessed with lawn care
But me and Grandpa think that he’s a geek

categories

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Mike’s Instant Holiday Hort Sing Along: Just Add Snow

I’m often asked, “How do you do it, Mike … year after year?” That’s the wrong question. The right question is “Why do you do it,


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Gardener’s Guilt

I’m feeling guilty. Perhaps that’s because my column was due last week and I’ve now written, let’s see, 18 words. But I’m ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
I Can’t Draw, Don’t Ask Me

Do you sing in the shower? Um, I know that’s kind of personal and you don’t need to tell me what kind of soap you use but ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Compost Tales

I believe it was the Shakespearean actor and gardener Ralph Kean (second cousin of the even more Shakespearean Edmund Kean) ...


Article Thumbnail
Departments
From the Editor - NovDec 2016

The most memorable Christmas of my Chicago life was the year the temperature plummeted to 25 below zero and the pipes froze …


questions

What are some trends in gardening you see becoming more prevalent in the next few years?

I applied commercial compost and hardwood mulch to an area where I am establishing a small garden. I did a few soil tests on the area and the results indicated the nitrogen was depleted. I intend to spread a bag of dried blood to rectify this problem When is the best time to apply the dried blood?

I have a dampish area with poor grass and moss that I would like to change to ground cover, but if I have only one plant, won’t it be boring? Can I get rid of the grass in winter or early spring?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement