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Mike’s 3rd Annual Holiday Hort Sing-Along


Don’t you just hate it when columnists fall into that trap of using the same old formulas year after year after year, simply because they don’t have the creativity or they’re too lazy to come up with something new?

Yeah, me, too. On that note, by popular demand (thanks, Mom!) I present the third installation of my not-so-award-winning
gardening words to popular carols. If you need to acquire music rights, you’re on your own, pal.

O Holey Leaves

(sung to “O Holy Night”)

O holey leaves
My hostas look like Swiss cheese
It is the night
When the damage is done

Long lay the bugs
In dirt and mulch
awaiting
’Til night appeared
And the slugs had their fun

A thrill of hope
A beery pan may drown them
Or yonder lies
A new insecticide

Fall on your knees
And search them with a flashlight
They see me supine
And my neighbors think I’m nuts

O give me some wine
O night, O slugs, I resign

God Rest Ye, Weary Gardeners

(sung to “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye, weary gardeners, let’s take the winter off
Remember the creator left himself one day for golf
To sleep in isn’t such a sin, though workaholics scoff
Oh, I’m hiding ’til April or May
April or May
Oh, I’m hiding ’til April or May.

I Saw Three Seeds

(sung to “I Saw Three Ships”)

I saw three seeds come floating in
To my backyard, to my backyard
I saw three seeds come floating in
To my backyard in the morning

And what plants were those seeds all three?
In my backyard, in my backyard
And what plants were those seeds all three?
In my backyard in the morning

Invasives from the farthest realms
In my backyard, in my backyard
Invasives from the farthest realms
In my backyard in the morning
My plants are gone, the weeds remain
In my backyard, in my backyard
Exotics will forever reign
In my backyard in the morning.

Grandma Got Run Over By a John Deere

(sung to “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”)

Grandma got run over by a John Deere
Walking through our yard the other week
You can say that Dad’s obsessed with lawn care
But me and Grandpa think that he’s a geek

He’d been drinking too much coffee
And we begged him not to mow
But Dad said “Can’t forget the 4-Step;
It’s the only thing that keeps it green, you know.”
Grandma never saw it coming
She had stopped to pick a weed
Dad was grooving to his iPod
And Van Halen always made him want to speed

Grandma got run over by a John Deere
Walking through our yard the other week
You can say that Dad’s obsessed with lawn care
But me and Grandpa think that he’s a geek

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questions

I recently moved to Chicago from Houston and I miss fresh picked figs. Is there any way to grow figs in Chicago short of installing a greenhouse? Will sunny windows do? I’m desperate.

What ratio and amounts of fertilizer would you use for a perennial bed and a vegetable garden? For growing annuals in a greenhouse, should the fertilizer be fast or slow-release, organic or inorganic?

What three dwarf shrubs do you think gardeners should know about and why?

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