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Mike’s ‘Bottom of the Barrel’ Xmas Xtravaganza


If you could only see your face right now (take a selfie and after you wallow in the horror of your expression, send me a copy). You turned to this page, just knowing that I had run out of Christmas carols to parody and that – for once! – your holiday season wouldn’t be ruined by these tunes – and my insipid lyrics to them – running like an out of control Cuisinart in your brain. Well, turn on the blender, kids, ’cause here we go again.

As usual, I disavow any connection to the rest of this column. Not only was I not conscious when I wrote it (and who says I did, huh?), you can’t prove that 1) I have a computer, 2) I know how to use it, and 3) I know how to speak Christmas. That’s what I call an air tight case.

Now you’ll excuse me while I wipe my hard drive clean. Sing!

The Holly and the Ivy

(sung to “The Holly and the Ivy” … what did you think it was sung to?)

The holly and the ivy, when they are both full grown
Of all the plants that will give you stress, the ivy bears the crown.
O the cutting of the vine – it will reappear next year
A pox upon your merry organ, I’ll fall upon my spear

The holly never blossoms, as far as I can see
And Mary my neighbor laughs while she drinks her chablis
O I’d like to smash her stupid freakin’ lilies and then frolic in her fish pool
Who cares about your merry organ? I’m looking like a fool.

The holly and the ivy … and now let’s hear a hush
Of all the songs that we sing of plants
This one is really mush.

The First Coral Bell

(sung to “The First Noel”)

The first coral bell, the experts did say
Was a plant that would suffer in fields made of clay
In fields made of clay that goes down so deep
You will kill every last one and they’re not so cheap.

Coral bell, coral bell, coral bell, coral bell
Warn all your neighbors, they don’t do so well.

I looked it up, and saw one star
That was all it was rated, the lowest by far
And to the store, I’ll return it tonight
And replace with a hosta, perhaps out of spite.

Coral bell, coral bell, coral bell, coral bell
Gone is the failure and I think that’s swell.

All I Want for Christmas

(sung to “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” … no, not the Mariah Carey version – how hip do you think I am?)

All I want for Christmas
is a Stewart Wreath
a Stewart Wreath
Martha Stewart Wreath.

Gee, if I could scam a
Martha Stewart Wreath,
Then you can have my
eucalyptus.

The Harvest Song

(sung to “The Wassail Song”)

Here you come a-harvesting
Among my leaves so green
Here you come a-trampling
On every squash and bean
Boy oh boy, what’s with you?
And your size eleven shoe?
And I’ll mess you and send you
Into the Next Year
Yes, I’ll knock you into the Next Year.

You ruined all the broccoli,
The cantaloupe and more.
You’re like my neighbor’s children
Except they’re under four
Boy oh boy, what’s with you?
Ain’t it time you got a clue?
And I’ll mess you and send you
Into the Next Year.
Yes, I’ll knock you into the Next Year.

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I have two 20-year-old pine trees whose needles are turning brown on the west side of the plants. On the east side I have a compost pile.

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