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Mike’s Holiday Hort Sing Along (Again?)


Did I ever mention that in my childhood I was severely traumatized when I happened to discover two snowflakes that were exactly alike? I think it explains a lot of things — perhaps even my obsession with doing irreparable damage to venerable (and often inexplicably dopey) holiday songs, all in the name of horticulture.

Meanwhile, for those of you who are waiting for me to run out of parodies, it’s only fair to warn you that I’ve already written enough to get me through 2034 — when I will be 117 years old. In fact, it’s stated in my will that whoever takes over this column when I’m planted under the poison ivy patch in my backyard must continue rolling out these songs until they’re used up.

Good luck using that as a selling point to find a successor.

Meanwhile, you know the drill…

The Chipmunk Song

(sung to “The Chipmunk Song,” oddly enough)

(musical vamp)

“All right you Chipmunks! Ready to steal their bulbs?”

“I’ll say we are!”

“Yeah!”

“Let’s dig some holes!”

“Okay, Ramone?”

“Okay!”

“Okay, Sycamore?”

“Let’s eat!”

Okay, Marvin? Marvin? MARVIN!!!

“WHAT-EVER!”

(sing!)

Chipmunk, Chipmunk time is here

Time to curse and time to fear

They dig good and they dig fast

They’ll dig through your perfect grass

Want a plant that doesn’t droop

Me, I’m tired of Chipmunk poop!

We can hardly stand our hate

Please Chipmunks, please be late

Planty Clones Are Coming to Town

(sung to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

You better watch out

You better not pry

Better not doubt

Or even ask why

Planty Clones are coming to town

We’re making a plant

Then making it twice

Like it so much we’re making it thrice

Planty Clones are coming to town

We seed them when you’re sleeping

We know which ones are fake

We know which ones are bad or good

And which ones we should forsake

O! You better watch out

For pie in the sky

Get ready to shout

When something’s awry

Planty Clones are coming,

You can hear the drumming,

Planty Clones are coming to town!

Jolly Pollen Season

(sung to “Holly Jolly Christmas”)

Have a jolly pollen season

It’s the worst time of the year

Ho, ho, ho, it looks like snow

But it will make you tear

Have a jolly pollen season

And when you walk down the street

Nasal flow will cause you woe

And everyone you meet

Oh, geez, Allegra, please

Liquid, pill or spray

Stop me before I sneeze

Just lost my toupee

Have a jolly pollen season

And in case you couldn’t hear

Oh, by golly

That’s a lot of icky stuff in your ear!

Oh Little Pest Called Mealybug

(sung to “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)

O little pest called mealybug

How still we see thee lie!

Beneath thy deep and cotton nest

You suck my hibiscus dry

I’ve washed and wiped and sprayed with

Insecticidal soap

My hopes and fears have turned to tears

Just chuck the plant, you dope!

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questions

I have a cycas palm and am not sure how much direct sunlight or water it needs. It has light brown marks developing on the leaves. What is causing this, and how do I care for my plant?

I’d like to know the secret to growing a decent-sized pumpkin for jack-o-lanterns for the grandkids and for decorating. My experience in recent years is that they get about as big as a basketball and then begin to rot. What am I doing wrong?

I recently moved to Chicago from Houston and I miss fresh picked figs. Is there any way to grow figs in Chicago short of installing a greenhouse? Will sunny windows do? I’m desperate.

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