Osmocote Advertisement

Mike’s Holiday Hort Sing-Along


If it weren’t for the holiday season, we probably would have legislated the month of December out of existence long ago. It’s not exactly a month that makes gardeners salivate–unless you’re a poinsettia freak, which is even more cause for worry.

So while you’re counting days until you can begin killing plants again (indoor varieties notwithstanding), I’ve come up with a few songs you can sing around the artificial fire in your pre-fab greenhouse. I’ve appropriated the music from some holiday songs for two reasons:

1) you already know the melodies, and 2) I don’t have to pay royalties.

Silent Blight

(To the tune “Silent Night”)

Silent blight, lowly blight s

All is brown, what a sight

Round yon cultivar, looking so lush

Holey foliage, turning to mush

It’s a fungal disease

It’s a fungal disease

Silent blight, lowly blight

Experts quake at the sight

Unknown pathogen, virulent strain

Nothing to be done, spreads in the rain

Eighty bucks down the drain

Eighty bucks down the drain

Deck the Deck

(To the tune “Deck the Halls”)

Deck the deck with potted pansies

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don’t forget to wash your handsies.

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Plant we now with feelings tender

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

When we’re done, go on a bender,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the trailing spud before us

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Catch the wave but please don’t bore us

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Follow me in trendy planting

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Shlepping soil just leaves me panting

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fast away the water passes,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fill those pitchers, cans and glasses

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Heat will fry your plants like crazy

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Think I’ll get a plastic daisy

Fa la la la la, la la la la

What Weed Is This?

(To the tune “Greensleeves”)

What weed is this that laid to seed

In ev’ry garden is creeping?

Whom herbicide and curses cried

Can’t keep the gard’ner from weeping.

This, this is dandelion

Whom children send the seeds a flyin’.

Hate, hate this awful plant

This bane, this son-of-a-mmmmm.

So bring in shovels to dig them out,

Obsessed to distraction.

Get on your knees and lose your keys

While putting yourself into traction.

This, this is Creeping Charlie,

O’er runs your lawn and makes it gnarly.

Hate, hate this awful plant

This bane, this son-of-a-mmmmm.

Here come Catalogs

(To the tune “Here Comes Santa Claus”)

Here come catalogs, here come catalogs

Filled with bulbs and seeds

Pictures of the perfect plants that

Ev’ry gardener needs.

There’s a lily of a color no one ever

has seen

It will die within a month–its zone is rated fifteen.

Here come catalogs, here come catalogs

Luring me to spend

They’ll accept my MasterCard for roses without end

There are months of cold before us

Gardens withered and sere

We’ll be broke before it’s March ‘cause

Catalogs are here

categories

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Hometown Honeys

You may have been told that bees are beneficial and that they pollinate a lot of agricultural crops. Most of the time when …


Article Thumbnail
Features
Moss: Rescuing Its Reputation

A garden clad in lustrous green velvet – what could be more beautiful? Time to reconsider moss.


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Diary of a Bad Gardener

Dear Diary, I’m soooo excited that I can hardly breathe!! Spring is almost here!! I can feel it in my very, very cold toes ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Mike’s 2nd Annual Holiday Hort Sing-Along

It's been that kind of year. I've been breaking all sorts of personal rules. I don't know what came over me when I put ...


Article Thumbnail
Departments
From the Editor - MayJun 2018

Where I grew up, it was common for us, whenever we were in a town, to drive around looking at the different neighborhoods …


questions

When is the best time to cut back hydrangeas? How far do I cut them back?

What does it take to make a climbing hydrangea flower? Ours was planted 3 years ago and is growing energetically. It’s in a protected nook near the patio and gets very little direct sunlight, but doesn’t act sun starved. We gave it a shot of slow release fertilizer on planting, and once since. Somewhat inadvertently it gets plenty of water, since the hose spigot is nearby and leaks, but drainage does not seem to be the problem. It now fully occupies an 8-foot trellis but shows no interest in flowering. Is it youth, lack of sun, too much or too little fertilizer, bugs, lack of pruning or what? When do these plants bloom and what conditions do they like?

Last summer my neighbor told me the black spots on my peony were a blight, although my peonies bloomed nicely. What can I do about this?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement