Advertisement

Mike’s Instant Holiday Hort Sing Along: Just Add Snow


I’m often asked, “How do you do it, Mike … year after year?” That’s the wrong question. The right question is “Why do you do it, Mike … year after relentless year?” However, even that question should be presented in a rhetorical way. In which case, I will smile sagely. If asked as a real question, I will suddenly remember that I must tend to the eggs boiling on my stove before they explode all over the unwashed dishes and the languishing pothos.

Now sing, darn ya!

Locusts We Have Heard on High

(sung to “Angels We Have Heard on High”)

Locusts we have heard on high

Sweetly humming o’er the ’hood

And the crickets in reply

Wish that they could sound that good

Bu-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uzzing now

In excessive volume.

Bu-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uzzing now

In excessive volume

Locusts, why this jubilee?

Why your droning sound prolong?

Now I need some more chablis

To survive your tiresome song

Bu-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uzzing now

In excessive volume.

Bu-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uzzing now

In excessive volume

I Want a Big Euonymus for Christmas

(sung to “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”)

I want a big euonymus for Christmas

Only a big euonymus will do

Don’t want a grass, no nicey native thing

I want a big euonymus, a kind of outdoor bling

I want a big euonymus for Christmas

Enviro-types won’t mind I’m sure that’s true

It might escape and overrun the yard

But I’ve got my pruners handy

And I’ll always be on guard

I can see me now out in the garden

Snoozing in my chair

Oh, what joy and what surprise

When I open up my eyes

To see my burning bushes everywhere

I want a big euonymus for Christmas

Euonymus alatus, maybe two

No amaranth, no forsythiuses

I only like big eunonymuses.

And big euonymuses like me, too

Golly, Old Gardenia

(sung to “Jolly Old St. Nicholas”)

Golly, old gardenia,

Lean your leaves this way

Don’t you tell a single soul

What I’m going to say

Your demise is coming soon

Now, you dear old plant

Whisper how to make you bloom

That’s the thing, you can’t

The Most Humbling Time of the Year

(sung to “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”)

It’s the most humbling time of the year

In the spring buds are swelling,

Your muscles rebelling, just get you a beer

It’s the most humbling time of the year

It’s the wor-worstiest season to fail

With those last minute plantings, irrational rantings

You need to exhale

It’s the wor-worstiest season to fail

There are seeds that need sowing

And beds ripe for hoeing

And plenty of spending of dough

There’ll be scary diseases

And hurricane breezes

And lawns you don’t have time to mow

It’s the most humbling time of the year

There’ll be plants that need nursing

And plenty of cursing

When loved ones can’t hear

It’s the most humbling time

It’s the stum-bumbling time

It’s the most humbling time of the year!

categories

Chicagoland Gardening Advertisement

Espoma Advertisement

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Pathogens on Parade

Those of you who are regular readers of this column are no doubt already aware that actual horticultural content is not my ...


Article Thumbnail
Departments
From the Editor - MarApr 2017

I once knew a woman who vacuumed her rock garden. Seems a revered expert from the East Coast was coming on an inspection tour …


Article Thumbnail
Blog
The Best Plant You’ve Never Heard Of

Ask many skilled gardeners to name their favorite plant, and what do they reply? “The one that’s in bloom right now.”


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Dream of This

Hard to pronounce, easy to grow, Kolkwitzia Dream Catcher™ was worth waiting for.


Article Thumbnail
Blog
Fit for a Queen

The juxtaposition is a little jarring at first, and then you start to smile. You’re downtown, driving along Lake Shore Drive ...


questions

I plan on saving my amaryllis bulbs that I kept outside over summer, but I noticed red streaks on the inner side of the leaves. What caused that? Will I be able to save my bulbs?

We are first-time gardeners and have planted Brussels sprouts and green and red cabbage that we are trying to grow organically. There are black egg sacs and small green worms eating the leaves. Is there an organic product we can use on the cabbage?

I’d like to know the secret to growing a decent-sized pumpkin for jack-o-lanterns for the grandkids and for decorating. My experience in recent years is that they get about as big as a basketball and then begin to rot. What am I doing wrong?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement