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Mike’s Never-Ending Holiday Hort Sing-Along


There’s Nothing Like Loam for the Gardener

(Sung to “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays”)

Oh, there’s nothing like loam for the gardener Whether you live in Naperville or Nome When you want dirt that’s crumble-y and decomposed For the gardener, you can’t beat loam, sweet loam

I met a man who lives in Palos Hills And he was mighty sore Diggin’ garden beds in tough, compacted clay All through suburbia the drainage stinks And folks can’t plant a thing From South Holland to Lake Zurich Gee, the cursing is terrific

Oh, there’s nothing like loam for the gardener Whether you live in Naperville or Nome If you don’t want to end up in traction bed For the gardener, you can’t beat loam, sweet loam

Away In A Tool Shed (Sung to “Away in a Manger”)

Away in a tool shed, no space for a pot A little more headroom would help me a lot My neighbors bemus-ed look down on my fit My too-little tool shed with no tools to fit

The poor walls are leaning, the spade handle breaks This tool shed is one of my biggest mistakes I love thee, small tool shed, but I’ve had my fill I’m shipping the whole blanking mess to Brazil

You’re near me, small tool shed, too close to the house Your pre-fab construction just screams Mickey Mouse Bless all the poor dimwits who purchased your kit And take us to heaven to be rid of it

Marty The Mowman (Sung to “Frosty the Snowman”)

Marty the mowman was an ab-y- normal soul With a porkpie hat and a bulbous nose and two eyes that looked like coal Marty the mowman is a scary tale, they say He was paid to mow but the children know how he left the rails one day.

There must have been some rum left in that rusty flask they found For when they placed it in his hands he began to mow the town

O, Marty the mowman Thought that he was now The Man And he went for broke in a cloud of smoke ‘Til they threw him in the can

Choppity chop chop Choppity chop chop Look at Marty mow Choppity chop chop Choppity chop chop He’ll get his own talk show

Up On The Green Roof (Sung to “Up On the House Top”)

Up on the green roof, there I pause Gravity has still got laws. Inside my brain, flashes past my life All this for my eco-wife Oh, no, no! Why did I go? Oh, no, no! Why did I go? Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1

First comes my neighbor, the little jerk Doesn’t he ever go to work? He’s got a camera that I despise Snapping a picture of my surprise Oh, no, no! Why am I here? Oh, no, no! Cover my rear Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1

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questions

How can I get rid of voles? I think they are doing a lot of damage to my bulbs.

I am interested in growing fruit trees in my suburban DuPage County yard. Can sweet cherries be grown here? Can you suggest varieties of apples, pears, peaches, apricots and plums that are hardy and disease resistant?

I have two strawberry plants in a hanging basket in my yard. I have not had any fruit from them although the vines hang down. I give them plant food once a month and water daily. What am I doing wrong?

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