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Mike’s Never-Ending Holiday Hort Sing-Along


There’s Nothing Like Loam for the Gardener

(Sung to “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays”)

Oh, there’s nothing like loam for the gardener Whether you live in Naperville or Nome When you want dirt that’s crumble-y and decomposed For the gardener, you can’t beat loam, sweet loam

I met a man who lives in Palos Hills And he was mighty sore Diggin’ garden beds in tough, compacted clay All through suburbia the drainage stinks And folks can’t plant a thing From South Holland to Lake Zurich Gee, the cursing is terrific

Oh, there’s nothing like loam for the gardener Whether you live in Naperville or Nome If you don’t want to end up in traction bed For the gardener, you can’t beat loam, sweet loam

Away In A Tool Shed (Sung to “Away in a Manger”)

Away in a tool shed, no space for a pot A little more headroom would help me a lot My neighbors bemus-ed look down on my fit My too-little tool shed with no tools to fit

The poor walls are leaning, the spade handle breaks This tool shed is one of my biggest mistakes I love thee, small tool shed, but I’ve had my fill I’m shipping the whole blanking mess to Brazil

You’re near me, small tool shed, too close to the house Your pre-fab construction just screams Mickey Mouse Bless all the poor dimwits who purchased your kit And take us to heaven to be rid of it

Marty The Mowman (Sung to “Frosty the Snowman”)

Marty the mowman was an ab-y- normal soul With a porkpie hat and a bulbous nose and two eyes that looked like coal Marty the mowman is a scary tale, they say He was paid to mow but the children know how he left the rails one day.

There must have been some rum left in that rusty flask they found For when they placed it in his hands he began to mow the town

O, Marty the mowman Thought that he was now The Man And he went for broke in a cloud of smoke ‘Til they threw him in the can

Choppity chop chop Choppity chop chop Look at Marty mow Choppity chop chop Choppity chop chop He’ll get his own talk show

Up On The Green Roof (Sung to “Up On the House Top”)

Up on the green roof, there I pause Gravity has still got laws. Inside my brain, flashes past my life All this for my eco-wife Oh, no, no! Why did I go? Oh, no, no! Why did I go? Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1

First comes my neighbor, the little jerk Doesn’t he ever go to work? He’s got a camera that I despise Snapping a picture of my surprise Oh, no, no! Why am I here? Oh, no, no! Cover my rear Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1

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questions

What is the largest tree that one can plant? We are trying to replace some 7- to 8-foot trees that were recently destroyed.

Is it possible to plant and grow Italian cypress in the Chicago area? Are our winters too severe for it? If they are, is there an alternative conifer that will provide a similar look?

I have two 20-year-old pine trees whose needles are turning brown on the west side of the plants. On the east side I have a compost pile.

I live in the St. Charles region and my soil is mostly clay. What is causing the browning? Should I get rid of the compost? How do I correct the damage?

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