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Mike’s Very, Very, Last, Absolutely Final and Never EVER to Be Repeated Holiday Hort Singalong!


Well, folks, you knew you were living on borrowed time. I didn’t realize it, but so was I. But when the FBI and Walt Disney (hisself!) showed up on my doorstep to ask about certain musical themes “borrowed” for a certain slightly over-the-hill garden writer at a particular Midwest horticulture magazine, I told them to go next door.

However, they came back. And after we all had a chuckle over my subterfuge and ol’ Walt told me the back story of the creation of Mickey Mouse (and I’ll bet you never thought that guy could work blue!) over a heaping glass of Ovaltine, the FBI guys agreed to remove my handcuffs with the promise that this would be the very, very, very last time that I subjected people to this cruel and unusual punishment.

So get out your pitch pipes, your hankies and your best liquor, ‘cause here we go:

I Wonder As I Squander

(Sung to “I Wonder As I Wander”)

I wonder as I squander my last twenty bucks
Why all of my purchases turn into yucks.
I’m poor as a church mouse, my bank account sucks.
I wonder as I squander my last twenty bucks

I stood in the nursery and looked at my haul
And handed my credit card over to Paul.
He smiled as he swiped it. I started to bawl.
The promise of beauty I then did recall.

If my garden wanted for any wee thing.
A truckload of mulch or a fountain I’d bring.
The splendors of nature from compost would spring,
My friends and my fam’ly would say “You’re the king!”

I wonder as I squander the last of my pay
How all that I dreamed ever turned out this way.
And wasn’t I here only just yesterday?
I wonder as I squander the last of my pay.

I Don’t Mow

(Sung to “Let It Go” from the film “Frozen”. If you don’t know it, ask any six-year-old girl.)

The lawn looks sad in the garden tonight
Only crabgrass to be seen
A kingdom of desolation and it looks like I’m James Dean
The turf is browning like some chicken over-fried
Couldn’t keep it green Heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in
don’t let them see
Be the neighbor you always tried to be
Conceal the deal,
don’t let them know
You let it go

I don’t mow! I don’t mow!
Took the Toro back to the store
I don’t mow! I don’t mow!
Couldn’t take it any more
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let my mom rage on.
The weeds never bothered me anyway

All I Want for Christmas is New

(sung to “All I Want for Christmas is You,” with sincerest apologies to Mariah Carey. Remember last year when I said I didn’t know this song? Hah! Gotcha!)

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
I don’t need that love and mush
I don’t care about the feelings
All that sappy goo and gush
I just want to fill my home Pruners, plants and one big gnome
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is NEW

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
Just some random garden things,
and I Don’t care about the wrapping
Throw ‘em in a pile of bling
You can give me planters, loppers,
Fertilizers, it’s all good
Shiny trowels, goofy towels
Sure to brighten up my mood

I just want stuff for my own
Tchotchkes, trinkets to display
Who cares how it grew?
All I want for Christmas is NEWWWWWW!

I Wish I Had a Manual

(Sung to “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”)

I wish I had a manual
My pruning skills are really not so swell
I mourn the hack job I started here
Until the tree guys and their saws appear
Re-cut, re-cut with massive decibel
I should have found a manual.

Mike Nowak is an author, speaker, humorist,environmentalist, show host and entertainer. You can follow his exploits at mikenowak.net

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questions

My Siberian iris ‘Gracilis’ plants have only one bloom per clump. I have five 3 to 5 year-old clumps that are 8 to 10 inches wide. They do not appear to be crowded. All are planted in a moist area. Why is there only one bloom per clump?

We moved into a house with a lovely azalea that didn’t bloom. We thought it might have been over-pruned. Last fall we did not prune it and now it still hasn’t bloomed. I was hoping to transplant it this year, but it looks rather sickly. Shall we prune it again and give it another year? Can I still transplant it?

After my father’s tomatoes ripen on the vine, he finds when he cuts into them that there is a hard white core that extends through the fruit.

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