Advertisement

Mike’s Very, Very, Last, Absolutely Final and Never EVER to Be Repeated Holiday Hort Singalong!


Well, folks, you knew you were living on borrowed time. I didn’t realize it, but so was I. But when the FBI and Walt Disney (hisself!) showed up on my doorstep to ask about certain musical themes “borrowed” for a certain slightly over-the-hill garden writer at a particular Midwest horticulture magazine, I told them to go next door.

However, they came back. And after we all had a chuckle over my subterfuge and ol’ Walt told me the back story of the creation of Mickey Mouse (and I’ll bet you never thought that guy could work blue!) over a heaping glass of Ovaltine, the FBI guys agreed to remove my handcuffs with the promise that this would be the very, very, very last time that I subjected people to this cruel and unusual punishment.

So get out your pitch pipes, your hankies and your best liquor, ‘cause here we go:

I Wonder As I Squander

(Sung to “I Wonder As I Wander”)

I wonder as I squander my last twenty bucks
Why all of my purchases turn into yucks.
I’m poor as a church mouse, my bank account sucks.
I wonder as I squander my last twenty bucks

I stood in the nursery and looked at my haul
And handed my credit card over to Paul.
He smiled as he swiped it. I started to bawl.
The promise of beauty I then did recall.

If my garden wanted for any wee thing.
A truckload of mulch or a fountain I’d bring.
The splendors of nature from compost would spring,
My friends and my fam’ly would say “You’re the king!”

I wonder as I squander the last of my pay
How all that I dreamed ever turned out this way.
And wasn’t I here only just yesterday?
I wonder as I squander the last of my pay.

I Don’t Mow

(Sung to “Let It Go” from the film “Frozen”. If you don’t know it, ask any six-year-old girl.)

The lawn looks sad in the garden tonight
Only crabgrass to be seen
A kingdom of desolation and it looks like I’m James Dean
The turf is browning like some chicken over-fried
Couldn’t keep it green Heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in
don’t let them see
Be the neighbor you always tried to be
Conceal the deal,
don’t let them know
You let it go

I don’t mow! I don’t mow!
Took the Toro back to the store
I don’t mow! I don’t mow!
Couldn’t take it any more
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let my mom rage on.
The weeds never bothered me anyway

All I Want for Christmas is New

(sung to “All I Want for Christmas is You,” with sincerest apologies to Mariah Carey. Remember last year when I said I didn’t know this song? Hah! Gotcha!)

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
I don’t need that love and mush
I don’t care about the feelings
All that sappy goo and gush
I just want to fill my home Pruners, plants and one big gnome
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is NEW

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
Just some random garden things,
and I Don’t care about the wrapping
Throw ‘em in a pile of bling
You can give me planters, loppers,
Fertilizers, it’s all good
Shiny trowels, goofy towels
Sure to brighten up my mood

I just want stuff for my own
Tchotchkes, trinkets to display
Who cares how it grew?
All I want for Christmas is NEWWWWWW!

I Wish I Had a Manual

(Sung to “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”)

I wish I had a manual
My pruning skills are really not so swell
I mourn the hack job I started here
Until the tree guys and their saws appear
Re-cut, re-cut with massive decibel
I should have found a manual.

Mike Nowak is an author, speaker, humorist,environmentalist, show host and entertainer. You can follow his exploits at mikenowak.net

categories

Lincoln Park Zoo Advertisement

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Dismayed in the Shade

"President Jimmy Carter once said that life is not fair. I’m not positive, but I don’t think he coined that phrase. I’m not pos


Article Thumbnail
Blog
The Flavor of Autumn

Snow showers hit the area this week, but the Swiss chard that’s growing under my frost cloths and in a small unheated ...


Article Thumbnail
Blog
Birds and Beans

All the snow we’ve had recently brought many more birds to the feeders outside our kitchen window. A lone starling was ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Behind the Curve (and losing ground)

I think I’m missing a gene. Okay, maybe two or three. This is the time of year when gardeners are told to dream, to curl up ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
10 Years After

I’m not sure whether I should be celebrating or apologizing. Let me explain. The 700 or so words on this page mark my tenth ...


questions

What are your three favorite “all-but-forgotten” perennials that every garden should include? Why do you like them?

I would like to start seeds under lights. When is the best time to start flower seeds? The seed packet always says to sow a number of weeks before the last frost. When is the last frost?

Is there an overall rule about when to pinch back my leggy plants?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement