Osmocote Advertisement

The CRASH Test


Every day I receive letters (well, not every day, but every few days…actually, I occasionally receive letters ... okay, okay, I got one once—are you happy?) in the mail (to be precise, not the real, old-fashioned mail, but somehow they find their way to my desk ... my computer ... and they’re somewhat about gardening ... I mean, I assume that increasing your trowel size has something to do with gardening ... uh, by the way, don’t ever open an e-mail with that subject line) like this one from Rusty:

Dear Mike,
How do you know if gardening is for you?
Sincerely,
Rusty
P.S. Do you have anything you can send me for free?

Ulterior motives aside, Rusty raises a good point. How does one know if gardening is for one, uh, you? I was pondering that question while looking out the window the other week, watching squirrels on the lawn playing five card draw, using my crocus bulbs for chips. And somehow, out of the blue, the word clueless came into my head. There ought to be a kind of aptitude test for gardeners, in order to weed out (thought of that myself) the clueless ones. Not just for spite, mind you, not that it hasn’t occurred to me, but for their own good, to spare them from pouring their life savings into the quest to grow a hydrangea with blue flowers in Zone 4, the endlessly frustrating Google searches (you type in Hepticodium and it asks in its I’m-oh-sooo-smart way: “Did you mean: Heptacodium?”) and the childish taunts of “Nyah, nyah, brown thumb!” from your neighbors that can make the walk to set out the recycling seem like the Last Mile. You know, the kind of things that gardeners, at least the ones I know, experience on a daily basis.

With that in mind, I have come up with a prototype of what I believe will one day be likened to a MENSA test for gardeners. Yeah, like even a MENSA could figure out how to prune wisteria.

Anyway, here is what I call Calculating Real Aptitude for Serious Horticulture, or the CRASH test.

The answers to the following questions will be provided at the bottom of the page. (Not always, just for this prototype. How dumb do you think I am?)

1. True or False:

dirt doesn’t taste all that bad, really.

2. Who invented the Rose?

a) Gertrude Stein
b) Rose Marie
c) Pete Rose
d) FTD

3. Quick, what goes with orange and purple? Quick!

4. Compare and contrast:

The paper “Structure and Functions of the Digestive Canal of the Earthworm Species Eisenia foetida (Savigny)” and the song “Build Me Up Buttercup.” Be brief. Please.

5. Which of these substances should NOT be added to a compost pile?

a) liquid nitrogen
b) Silly Putty
c) Hamburger Helper
d) Beano

6. Fact or fiction: Roger Swain.

7. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Would you tell Barbara Walters?

8. Which garden tool should you use to discipline an unruly trumpet vine?

a) a ruler
b) a spoon
c) a hair curler
d) a time out

9. Your shoelace is untied. Ha! Gotcha!

10. “Busy Lizzie” and “Sweet William” should never be planted together because

a) people will talk
b) they don’t play nice
c) it makes “Black-Eyed Susan” blue
d) oh, just choose from the first three

BONUS QUESTION!

Create a simple design using only exotic invasive plants and use it to conceal the horrific spaceship that now sits on top of Chicago’s Soldier Field. Execute your design on a separate sheet of paper and mail it to City Hall.
Answer key: Fell for this one, too, eh?

categories

Espoma Advertisement

Midwest Groundcovers Advertisement

popular

Article Thumbnail
Columns
Follow the Bouncing Gall

There are two kinds of bets going on among my readers. The first is whether I will follow the tried, true and now fairly ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
A Letter From the Garden Abyss

I am writing to reach out to humanity, if there is anyone left as of May 1. If you find this note, please take it to the ...


Article Thumbnail
Columns
Mike’s Holiday Hort Sing-Along

If it weren’t for the holiday season, we probably would have legislated the month of December out of existence long ago.


Article Thumbnail
Spotlights
A New Twist on Terrariums

They’re back, just in time for holiday decorating and gift giving! Terrariums, that is. They’ve recently made a big comeback…


Article Thumbnail
Columns
I Can’t Draw, Don’t Ask Me

Do you sing in the shower? Um, I know that’s kind of personal and you don’t need to tell me what kind of soap you use but ...


questions

I’m moving to a townhouse with limited direct sunlight. I would like to put a Japanese maple in a north-facing garden but don’t know if it will do well. What are the best kinds? Also, when is the best time to plant a small tree?

What causes black spots on my orchid leaves?

Will a trumpet vine growing on a tree harm it?

ChicagolandGardening Advertisement